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Thursday, March 28, 2013

6 months

Well, here I am again. It has been a long time since I have posted last.  I really thought I would be posting a lot more on my blog these last few months.  I think I need to face up to the fact it probably isn't going to happen very often. By the end of the day all I want to do is NOTHING and writing takes time for me. 

6 months!  We have been home six months today.  The main emotion I feel when I think about 6 months ago is anxiety.  There, I said it.  I was so anxious to get back to Cole and Ellie and to be home.  It is not that we didn't like Ethiopia or we didn't feel safe.  We just wanted to be home.  When I think about the last six months I am amazed at how well Tom and Rigby and Cole and Ellie are doing.  We had (and have) our problems and this has not been easy but they are really doing well considering.  What I didn't expect is the way that I feel.  I am not quite ready to go into to it in detail but this has been very hard for me as far as my feelings and emotions.  I know love is an action and I need to fake it till you make it but this really hard to do all day long.  I never thought I would be the one with bonding issues:)  However, I realize that there are other mothers out there going through this. They just don't talk about it much.  Why would they.  It is not an easy thing to admit.  "Hey, I have been waiting for 2 years for these kids and I really don't like them"  The guilt that I feel just writing that.  I know that we were called to adopt and I have faith that I will feel better.   I need to love when I don't want to love and do the right thing when every inch of my body does not want to.  I fail everyday, several times a day but I am taking baby steps.    Well, I said more than I was planning on.  So tempted to erase what I just wrote.  Sorry if I disappoint anyone.  Believe me, I have disappointed myself many times BUT I know that this will work out.  I just don't know when. 

Have a great Easter everyone.  Better get some kids Easter video's out for Tom and Rigby to help show them what Easter is about.  Cole and Ellie might sacrifice and watch too.  (They don't want to admit they still like them.  They do not, however, like Barney and hate it when Tom and Rigby watch it:)   

PS  I probably should post some pictures.  Hopefully I will remember after Easter. 

  

2 comments:

  1. I love and admire your honesty!!

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  2. Just stumbled across your blog since someone came to mine via yours. How are you doing these days? It is a tough journey....

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